What You See is What You Get

"She's so gorgeous", "She looks so sexy in that", "She's very slim", "Oh my gosh, she's so fat", "I bet she is real ugly without her makeup on", "That girl is hideous", "Her body is perfect". 

I guarantee you've said these words before. I'll admit I'm no angel. I have! Who am I to criticize? Better yet, who are you to say anything? It's no ones place to judge. 

At 27, I should feel comfortable with my body. I'm tall, 5'9" to be exact, and I'm by no means over weight. Why do I not feel comfortable with the way I look? Could it be the media, other girls, or just my own self conscious that's constantly saying, "don't eat that" (but I do anyway), "don't wear that" (so I don't), or my favorite one "she looks so much better than me" (so I befriend her or hate her). I'll say all 3. But they feed on one another like a baboon attacking a flamingo. Yeah, apparently that happens. 

I can pretty much pinpoint why my own view of my body is deformed. I have been a dancer since I was 2 years old. When I was in junior high I was skin and bones, girls picked on me and called me Annie, implying that I was anorexic. Excuse me, I was in 5th grade. I didn't even know what that was yet. Let's not even talk about in 6th or 7th grade when I was made fun of for "my chest being as flat as my back". Girls are so brutal! From then on out I was silently obsessed with the illnesses. As I got into high school, I researched the eating disorders and did speeches on them. As a competitive dancer in high school I spent the majority of my free time at the dance studio. In front of a mirror. Staring at myself. Turning sideways to see how thin I was. At least by my junior year of high school I had some little boobies to fill an A cup and shut up the girls talking shit from middle school. When I was in high school I was questioned if I was bulimic. Really y'all? I had to pee! Back off!! Once I reached college, I joined the dance team. The head coach suggested we start being weighed to take on a healthy diet and all. We got weighed in front of one another. On came my downward spiral. I was the tallest one on the team with some muscle mass from being an athlete, of course my numerical weight would be heavier than some of the much shorter, thicker girls. 

From that moment on I was obsessed with the number. I had to make it lower. I became very into running and ab workouts. I refused to eat alone in the dining hall. I felt like everyone was always staring at me. Watching how much I ate. To this day I won't eat somewhere alone. I started watching my calorie intake and when that didn't drop my weight, because I was still working out so much and building muscle, I stopped eating all together. When I got hungry I had a day of binging and purging. After a few months and about a 25lbs drop in my weight I realized, along with my suicidal thoughts, that I needed help and I needed it fast. 

I am so grateful to have realized in my own mind that what I was doing was wrong. That I needed the help and that the help worked. A few years later and medication I was finally back to normal. Happy and comfortable, kind of. I noticed at the age of 20 that I was obsessed with my number still. I found myself stepping on the scale almost twenty-some times a day. If I ate, I weighed myself. If I peed, I weighed myself. If I did a handstand, juggled, laid naked in the sunshine, I weighed myself. (I never did the last one, though it sounds like a hoot.) 

Nowadays I'm healthy and eating a ton. Not fat. Still thin but believe me, I have my "I hate my body days" just like every other woman out there. However, no scales exist in my home. I fear stepping on them now. I fear the obsession would take over again!

My best friend, Dana has some of the similar body issues too. Although there are days she doesn't see it, I see how beautiful she is. She's a little shorter than me, brown hair, perfect skin, adorable smile, a good body type for her height and up until yesterday morning, titties for days! Yesterday she underwent a breast reduction. My words to her? "I can't wait to see your little boobies", and "I expect a full frontal photo mam! I can say that cause we're bffs." So true. Her story is similar to mine. Starting in middle school she got picked on causing her to hate her body image. Except hers was all due to the size of those 2 fabulous, giant bouncy balls on her chest. I was at the complete opposite end of the spectrum from her. So I don't know the pain she went through, but I sure can sympathize. 

I do however have to plug her blog that she has recently posted about her journey through the reduction. She wants to make sure she's honest, open and most importantly helpful to other 20 something's considering a reduction as well. 

Visit www.dthompson.wordpress.com if you're curious about what Dana has to say! Love you Dee

Alright ladies, now for the reason Dana and I got to where we were was because of you. Granted we were just kids then but this stuff happens in our 20's and older too. Can we just stop all the judgement already? So her hair is longer, her ass is bigger, her stomach is flatter and she doesn't work out (that bitch, right?), her nose is smaller, her tattoo is prettier, she radiates freaking fairy dust producing rainbows and unicorns! Whatever the hell you're obsessing about, just quit!! You're causing yourself to go nuts and if you're picking on her you could possibly cause her insanity. Not everyone is strong like me and Dana. Not everyone has a support system. Not everyone pulls through to the other side. Just try remembering that. 

It doesn't help that the media is up celebrities asses with a camera these days (literally, the no panty shots? Come on paparazzo! I don't care what their hoo ha's look like!). Media feeds that viscious animal and makes them believe they need to look a certain way. I'm so over it! I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, let alone my brand new Victoria Secret swim suit! 

I'm trying to live a healthier lifestyle with a balance of better foods and exercise. In fact last night it was a battle between an evening jog or potato chips. Who do you think won? My tv and the chips with a little bit of dip! 

Fail!!

Maybe someday I'll be happy with how I look. For now I guess I'll just be thankful that I am a healthy late 20 something and that my appearance is well kept. For that I shall celebrate with an alcoholic beverage and more than likely an unhealthy choice for dinner! Today, I am perfectly ok with that!