Losin' My Religion
Perhaps I'm going against all things I said in the beginning I wouldn't write about by doing this, but if I'm to open y'all up to who I am, I need to be completely honest about some things.
I have never been the definition of a good Catholic. I couldn't tell you about the Bible or quote it, who was at the Last Supper, or even what time mass starts on Sunday mornings. When my mom died over a year ago, I quit going to church. Hell it was before then that I had quit going. Why you ask? I was mad at the big guy upstairs. He took my oldest brother from this world and left my family in shambles trying to pick up the pieces and make our lives somewhat whole again. Then he went and gave my mom the cancer back that she fought so hard to get rid of. To make matters worse, he made the cancer spread and he took her just a quick 13 months after my brother.
To say I was pissed is an understatement. I had every right to be didn't I? You'd be heartbroken, devastated, lost, and just down right mad if it were you. But time has past, and they say time heals all wounds. So while I have my days and moments where the flow of my tears seems to never end, I'm starting to get tired of being outraged.
I'd like to say I've made leaps of progress in the last nearly 3 years since losing them both, but I haven't. I feel as if I've been at a stand still. My motivation is gone and perhaps it's because my motivator was my maker. I at one point in my life was unafraid to take chances and make moves. I have been staying in the safe zone for quite some time now because of my fears. That's not who I am. It never was. I don't want it to be who I become as time goes on either.
With the comprehension that I need to better myself and all things in my life again I realize I need to make a mends to the one relationship I've set aside for far too long.
I grew up in a Catholic home. That meant on Saturday nights I was rarely allowed to have friends stay the night because on Sunday mornings we woke up to the smell of a big breakfast being cooked by my dad and put on our Sunday best. We rode together listening to Casey Kasem's weekly top 40 on the way to church. We sat in the same pew every week, just 4 or 5 rows back from the alter. It meant my brothers and I attended Sunday school because we switched to public school at a young age. All of this in my upbringing I am proud of.
When I moved away to Tennessee, I swore I wanted to get back in the swing of going to church every week. I went here and there before I felt my world take a turn towards the fall apart of a job and relationship that lead me to wanting a deeper connection to my religion. One night I found myself staying after the sermon to pray more. I was found by my priest, crying on my knees. We talked that night about what it was that had me begging for God's help. That was the start of my regularity in that church on Wednesday nights. I went up until my brother passed and then I was done with it.
I want that connection back. Not the bible hugging, get everyone to believe what you believe, only thing you ever talk about is religion type of person. I want that proud and happy feeling that I trust my faith and the man who leads me down each path I walk. I have been saying for some time now that I'll go back to church and that I want to, because it's the honest truth. I do want to go. I really do think I'm ready to go back now.
I don't feel my relationship with myself is as strong as it was, could, or should be. I need help to get there, though. I can't rely on myself to better me anymore. I need His help. It's time to stop being afraid of all the possibilities that lie ahead. It's time to put one foot in front of the other and walk through those church doors again and admit my faults, apologize for my behavior, and beg for forgiveness.
"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave."
Please excuse me while I go and make me a little bit better again.
To say I was pissed is an understatement. I had every right to be didn't I? You'd be heartbroken, devastated, lost, and just down right mad if it were you. But time has past, and they say time heals all wounds. So while I have my days and moments where the flow of my tears seems to never end, I'm starting to get tired of being outraged.
I'd like to say I've made leaps of progress in the last nearly 3 years since losing them both, but I haven't. I feel as if I've been at a stand still. My motivation is gone and perhaps it's because my motivator was my maker. I at one point in my life was unafraid to take chances and make moves. I have been staying in the safe zone for quite some time now because of my fears. That's not who I am. It never was. I don't want it to be who I become as time goes on either.
With the comprehension that I need to better myself and all things in my life again I realize I need to make a mends to the one relationship I've set aside for far too long.
I grew up in a Catholic home. That meant on Saturday nights I was rarely allowed to have friends stay the night because on Sunday mornings we woke up to the smell of a big breakfast being cooked by my dad and put on our Sunday best. We rode together listening to Casey Kasem's weekly top 40 on the way to church. We sat in the same pew every week, just 4 or 5 rows back from the alter. It meant my brothers and I attended Sunday school because we switched to public school at a young age. All of this in my upbringing I am proud of.
When I moved away to Tennessee, I swore I wanted to get back in the swing of going to church every week. I went here and there before I felt my world take a turn towards the fall apart of a job and relationship that lead me to wanting a deeper connection to my religion. One night I found myself staying after the sermon to pray more. I was found by my priest, crying on my knees. We talked that night about what it was that had me begging for God's help. That was the start of my regularity in that church on Wednesday nights. I went up until my brother passed and then I was done with it.
I want that connection back. Not the bible hugging, get everyone to believe what you believe, only thing you ever talk about is religion type of person. I want that proud and happy feeling that I trust my faith and the man who leads me down each path I walk. I have been saying for some time now that I'll go back to church and that I want to, because it's the honest truth. I do want to go. I really do think I'm ready to go back now.
I don't feel my relationship with myself is as strong as it was, could, or should be. I need help to get there, though. I can't rely on myself to better me anymore. I need His help. It's time to stop being afraid of all the possibilities that lie ahead. It's time to put one foot in front of the other and walk through those church doors again and admit my faults, apologize for my behavior, and beg for forgiveness.
"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave."
Please excuse me while I go and make me a little bit better again.
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