Where Will I End Up?
I take Dolly Parton outside on a Sunday evening as the sun is setting.
It's a cold chill in late April that when the wind blows it has a soft bite like fall.
I close my eyes and I'm taken back to a rainy March morning, a little over 2 years ago, when I first moved home. When the thought of being back in Ohio filled my entire body with rage and despair all at once.
I listen to the cars on the other side of my condo on a busy street as they pass and the ones on the highway at the back of my complex. The rest of my surrounding is silent with the exception of a couple geese flying overhead.
Suddenly I realize, being home hasn't been the worst like I thought it would... but am I happy enough?
I moved home from a place I thought I'd never leave. From a city where I met the man who I thought was the love of my life. I call it my "southern comfort zone" because that's exactly how I still feel about it. Living in Murfreesboro was one of the most exciting, challenging, happy times in my existence. Moving there took courage, but moving back took that much more. How do you adjust quickly? It's taken me two years and I'm still waiting to feel like this is where I belong.
For me, moving home was against everything I wanted deep down inside, but being with my mother for the last 7 months of her life is something I will never regret. Telling people was, and still is, difficult two years later. It's a story that I have to smile through and say "it's ok", when in all reality, it's not... I'm not. What I came home for was an obstacle in itself and that's why my pride went down the drain. Fortunately, I was blessed with a few friends that picked me up. They helped take my mind off of the negative things not only at home, but that took place within the year prior to coming back. My relationship failing in Tennessee was for the better as I see things now and losing my brother was still a fresh wound. So I masked my pain with these friends, going out every weekend, doing the same, routine things. Dressing to impress no one in a city that's plagued with declining population, desperation to save what little we have left, fewer jobs for what was once a thriving middle class area, and more junkies on heroin than I'd like to believe most days. So when I think of what I came home to; my mother and the rest of my wonderful family and friends... I got all of this along with it.
Sure it's a small town feel here in Ohio. The cost of living is manageable if you compare it to other cities. The way the sun sets over a man made lake is still a beautiful site. Bonfires and cookouts are a way of living when the weather finally gets warm. The way the sun hits the snow through gray skies is stamped forever in my memory like a postcard, and visits to wine country are a quick and easy trip which has always been a favorite of mine. Maybe, just maybe, there's more than what I see. For now though, I can't say that settling down here was the smartest of my decisions. I made a spontaneous choice to buy a home because I was ill at the thought of how much I was spending monthly on an apartment that I never even felt fully moved into.
This is my decision now... in a year, two, maybe even five, I will leave Ohio again. I'll leave this town that cripples me with depression and anxiety. A place that I love and hate so much at the same time. It will always be home to me, but I have this constant urge to go away from here. I didn't lie in my twin bed as a kid, cuddled up next to one of the best friends I've ever had, talking about how I'd settle in another place someday, for nothing. I've been told that when I put my mind to something, I make it happen, and I want more than anything to make this happen. The question just hangs in the air now... Where will I end up?
It's a cold chill in late April that when the wind blows it has a soft bite like fall.
I close my eyes and I'm taken back to a rainy March morning, a little over 2 years ago, when I first moved home. When the thought of being back in Ohio filled my entire body with rage and despair all at once.
I listen to the cars on the other side of my condo on a busy street as they pass and the ones on the highway at the back of my complex. The rest of my surrounding is silent with the exception of a couple geese flying overhead.
Suddenly I realize, being home hasn't been the worst like I thought it would... but am I happy enough?
I moved home from a place I thought I'd never leave. From a city where I met the man who I thought was the love of my life. I call it my "southern comfort zone" because that's exactly how I still feel about it. Living in Murfreesboro was one of the most exciting, challenging, happy times in my existence. Moving there took courage, but moving back took that much more. How do you adjust quickly? It's taken me two years and I'm still waiting to feel like this is where I belong.
For me, moving home was against everything I wanted deep down inside, but being with my mother for the last 7 months of her life is something I will never regret. Telling people was, and still is, difficult two years later. It's a story that I have to smile through and say "it's ok", when in all reality, it's not... I'm not. What I came home for was an obstacle in itself and that's why my pride went down the drain. Fortunately, I was blessed with a few friends that picked me up. They helped take my mind off of the negative things not only at home, but that took place within the year prior to coming back. My relationship failing in Tennessee was for the better as I see things now and losing my brother was still a fresh wound. So I masked my pain with these friends, going out every weekend, doing the same, routine things. Dressing to impress no one in a city that's plagued with declining population, desperation to save what little we have left, fewer jobs for what was once a thriving middle class area, and more junkies on heroin than I'd like to believe most days. So when I think of what I came home to; my mother and the rest of my wonderful family and friends... I got all of this along with it.
Sure it's a small town feel here in Ohio. The cost of living is manageable if you compare it to other cities. The way the sun sets over a man made lake is still a beautiful site. Bonfires and cookouts are a way of living when the weather finally gets warm. The way the sun hits the snow through gray skies is stamped forever in my memory like a postcard, and visits to wine country are a quick and easy trip which has always been a favorite of mine. Maybe, just maybe, there's more than what I see. For now though, I can't say that settling down here was the smartest of my decisions. I made a spontaneous choice to buy a home because I was ill at the thought of how much I was spending monthly on an apartment that I never even felt fully moved into.
This is my decision now... in a year, two, maybe even five, I will leave Ohio again. I'll leave this town that cripples me with depression and anxiety. A place that I love and hate so much at the same time. It will always be home to me, but I have this constant urge to go away from here. I didn't lie in my twin bed as a kid, cuddled up next to one of the best friends I've ever had, talking about how I'd settle in another place someday, for nothing. I've been told that when I put my mind to something, I make it happen, and I want more than anything to make this happen. The question just hangs in the air now... Where will I end up?
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