That Unwanted Bitch

The first time I was told my mom had cancer I was only in 8th grade I think. It was a small mole under her eye that turned out to be skin cancer. She had it removed and has since been very cautious about the time she spends in the sun. She became more aware of her health and how she treated her body. 

When I was 15 or 16 she told us she had breast cancer. The dr. was sure that radiation would be the heal all end all. So my mom did radiation treatments and after a few months of going it alone without much support she was in remission. Unfortunately, when I was that age I didn't understand what she was going through and I didn't take the time to educate myself on it. After that she was even more aware of her health. We support everything breast cancer now. Socks, pens, if it has a pretty pink ribbon, you name it we buy it! Back then I didn't think of how badly it could have gotten and just how lucky we truly are to have her around still bugging the poo out of us all with all her worrying she does (thanks for passing on that trait Ma)! 

I'll never forget the quickness of the 7 years to follow and the day that my mom walked into the family room after a dr. appointment that my dad attended with her. I was getting ready to leave for an appointment myself as she sat down and said we needed to talk. That God awful feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you think you're going to throw up, pass out, and quite possibly poop at the same time? Yea, I got that! She told me her breast cancer was back. That bitch! (The cancer that is). 

How? Why? Ughhhh!!! 

I was so saddened by the thought of it all. This time I was 23, in a serious relationship at the time (thinking we were going places) and the only thoughts I could have race through my mind was, 

"What if I lose her?" 

"What will I do without her?" 

"Can I survive without her?" 

"I can't get married without her there!" 

"I can't raise a baby without her input!" 

I know those aren't the positive thoughts I promised her I would think but then she goes on to tell me that she was having her breast removed and from there they would let her know if she needed chemotherapy. Well, a week later Momma had her surgery to remove her left boobie. I sat at the hospital all day with my dad and Grammy and other relatives waiting to hear what the dr. would have to say when she was finally out of surgery. The procedure went well. She was in recovery before we knew it and the next focus was whether she needed the chemo. It was at a post surgery appointment that she was informed that in fact they did want her to go through hell... I mean chemo...

My mom. The most kind hearted woman I know. She hates confrontation and is very shy. She has a huge heart and sees the good in everyone that she can. This woman, in my eyes, can do no wrong. Yes, she repeats herself telling some stories. Yes, she worries so much about me, my brothers, and nephews that it can drive me insane enough to worry for her worrying so much! But hey, what are mothers for right? She has set a great example for how a human should interact, react, and just be. Momma, Ma, Terri Sweet Ass, Terri Sweets, that woman is my hero. Because through everything she went through she has come out on top. She has come out stronger!

I will never know why God keeps putting this burden on her shoulders. Like she needs to be tested. Like she's done something wrong in her life. Like she deserves to fight hard like she has. Maybe someday when I get to Heaven I'll ask him why. All I know is through her chemo treatments, losing her hair, wearing the surgical masks, she raised my nephew, London. She took care of that little guy as best as she could and he was probably her biggest reason to fight through it all. Which that alone gave me a new respect for her. How much more could this woman take?

As of recent, if you've been following along, I've gone through a break up that completely broke my heart and is still making me question why I need this test of strength right now. My parents thought it would be nice for me to be around family and friends for the Fourth of July weekend so they bought me a plane ticket back to Ohio. I flew in late Thursday night on the third so Friday morning, as I sat on the couch laughing and relaxing with my mom and nephew I notice a bad bruise on her wrist. I ask the obvious question and she hits me with, "We need to talk". 

There's that feeling in my stomach again. 

Deep breath... 

She fell a few weeks back, breaking her tailbone. Ok, I knew that much. So while in the hospital they did all kinds of tests. Turns out they removed a lymph node that was cancer. They are putting her on hormone injections and if that doesn't work, chemo pills. She explained everything to me. Thinking back now, just a few days later, I'm trying to piece together the jumbled mess of words that came from her mouth. All I can do is think those same, terrifying thoughts I thought last time. Except this time I am not close to getting married and having babies. (Well obviously I wasn't then either ha). So now I'm mortified!! They did run scans to see if the cancer is in her bones and liver and it's not. So I'm praying it stays that way. Now I'm heading back home and I have to sit and wait to hear what I know she will try to sugar coat for me because I'm so far away. 

I'm torn. How do I stay positive? My heart hurts so much more than it did before I went back to Ohio. I took the trip to forget the pain and instead I just came home to more. Luckily, I have my new friends in Nashville to keep my spirits up! People who hardly know me and are looking out for me. I just have to stay strong. Chin up, is what my mother always taught me! I don't have time to fall apart and quite frankly, no one needs to see that, especially my Momma!

I am so lucky I have had my mom by my side through everything I've experienced. I'm even more happy to say I've always had her support! You never know when your loved ones may fall sick. Don't let some stupid grudge keep you from having the best relationship you can with them. I make sure to have the best relationships, times, and pictures with my parents and siblings. 

Your 20's are for learning who you are. So talk to your family. Learn where you come from, where your grandparents came from. Ask questions. Learn who you were as a child. Learn a little about your family tree and look forward to building on it! Listen to the stories. Anyone's. You'll regret that you never did when you're older and I know I don't want any regrets!