Two Years Too Long
Two years. That's all it took for me to find the time and will to get back onto a bike and escape to the trail. Two years of highs and lows and many changes in my life that all filled my mind as I rode my bike the two miles to the trail. I forgot how much I loved being out there. How the smells and chill of the breeze feel freeing. I don't know how I ever quit riding!
It was an early Monday morning and the chill of fall was in the late August air. I rode my bike and pedaled hard and fast to attempt the speed, timing, and distance that I used to achieve. Since my dad sold the home I grew up in, I had to start my journey from a new location. Luckily his new home isn't any farther from the old, so my ride to the bike trail was easy. Once I got to the trail, earbuds were in, and my mind was on its own journey.
One thought led to another, it was gibberish, messy, and confusing as I tried sorting through current details of my life that I'm working on. The worry and excitement of leaving one job for another was a major thought that filled my head as I pedaled to the beat of a fast paced ZZ Ward song. I've finally decided after 7 years of banking to leave the field and start a new career path that I hope to allow more doors to open. To leave one job for another is always scary, and as a homeowner, my biggest concern was paying my bills. Gosh, if that doesn't scream ADULT, I don't know what does.
My 31st birthday was right around the corner and I reminisced about how amazing my 30th year was. The travel experiences I had, opportunities I've been given, and people I've met. From the friendships that have begun, ended, and been salvaged to the exciting moments with the dance studio. Breaking my first bone. Every second spent with my family and how far each of us has traveled down our own avenues to be where we are now. The heartbreak. The laughter, oh dear lord the laughter! My 30th year of life was nothing short of entertaining.
The reminder of my dad now being a warrior because cancer caught him in it's trap was the sickening feeling I felt in my stomach as I pushed myself to ride farther down the path. That damn demon just can't let this family be, but I had to remind myself to stay positive and that no matter what, in the end, everything will be ok!
I felt the burning of my muscles while I rode and let my anger fuel the fire! I allowed my heart to open up on my escape headed north to feel every bit of animosity towards a man who isn't even nearby. A man I thought I could finally allow myself to be with. A man I thought, even if it was long distance, I could make it work. I made myself vulnerable and joined the dating world again after months of just not caring. What kind of man are you to just walk away? You didn't even have the heart, guts, or respect enough for another human being to simply be honest. I don't care what your reasoning. Me, another woman, you, whatever your excuse...you just don't do that! To that selfish, poor excuse of a man, I do not wish bad things upon you or to feel as helpless and sensitive as I did when you decided to ghost. I forgive you for your immature, lack of compassion... but I bet karma will not be kind!
While seeing red from all my annoyances, I noticed the colors of the leaves. They're barely changing at this point, but I could see it, and the only thing I could think of was how I needed to commit to a color to paint the damn accent wall in my living room. I need to get started on these stupid renovations so I can actually enjoy them. I've already spent hundreds to get the job done I just need to make time. Stop procrastinating. Man, I'm good at that though. Should I do a purplish gray or should I do mac n cheese gold? Oh... mac n cheese... I'm hungry! I should turn around and head home so I can eat something! Let's be honest, food is on the brain all the time when I take these bike rides.
Certain things are stamped in your memory forever like the leaves that are pressed into the surface of the blacktop I cruised over. A constant thought on my bike escape is my mom. How just before I quit riding two years ago, I described to her in detail the way the colors of the leaves looked as I rode well into the fall. I wish I could describe to her how good it felt to be back where my soul feels most unleashed. Instead, on a short leg of the path, I found myself completely alone. I took out my earbuds and all I heard was silence. Nothing... and for the first time that I can recall, I allowed myself to break down on my bike. I cried for just a brief minute before taking a deep breath and simply just admitting that I missed her. I will always miss her. No time will ever change that.
Racing the clock and pushing myself against the wind, I finally arrived back to my dad's driveway where I proceeded to walk like my legs each weighed ten tons. I will never grant myself to go so long without the feel of the wind on my face and the smacking of horseflies against my head and sunglasses. Seriously, those things are massive in the woods! Bugs or not, I'm back. Two years was too long!
It was an early Monday morning and the chill of fall was in the late August air. I rode my bike and pedaled hard and fast to attempt the speed, timing, and distance that I used to achieve. Since my dad sold the home I grew up in, I had to start my journey from a new location. Luckily his new home isn't any farther from the old, so my ride to the bike trail was easy. Once I got to the trail, earbuds were in, and my mind was on its own journey.
One thought led to another, it was gibberish, messy, and confusing as I tried sorting through current details of my life that I'm working on. The worry and excitement of leaving one job for another was a major thought that filled my head as I pedaled to the beat of a fast paced ZZ Ward song. I've finally decided after 7 years of banking to leave the field and start a new career path that I hope to allow more doors to open. To leave one job for another is always scary, and as a homeowner, my biggest concern was paying my bills. Gosh, if that doesn't scream ADULT, I don't know what does.
My 31st birthday was right around the corner and I reminisced about how amazing my 30th year was. The travel experiences I had, opportunities I've been given, and people I've met. From the friendships that have begun, ended, and been salvaged to the exciting moments with the dance studio. Breaking my first bone. Every second spent with my family and how far each of us has traveled down our own avenues to be where we are now. The heartbreak. The laughter, oh dear lord the laughter! My 30th year of life was nothing short of entertaining.
The reminder of my dad now being a warrior because cancer caught him in it's trap was the sickening feeling I felt in my stomach as I pushed myself to ride farther down the path. That damn demon just can't let this family be, but I had to remind myself to stay positive and that no matter what, in the end, everything will be ok!
I felt the burning of my muscles while I rode and let my anger fuel the fire! I allowed my heart to open up on my escape headed north to feel every bit of animosity towards a man who isn't even nearby. A man I thought I could finally allow myself to be with. A man I thought, even if it was long distance, I could make it work. I made myself vulnerable and joined the dating world again after months of just not caring. What kind of man are you to just walk away? You didn't even have the heart, guts, or respect enough for another human being to simply be honest. I don't care what your reasoning. Me, another woman, you, whatever your excuse...you just don't do that! To that selfish, poor excuse of a man, I do not wish bad things upon you or to feel as helpless and sensitive as I did when you decided to ghost. I forgive you for your immature, lack of compassion... but I bet karma will not be kind!
While seeing red from all my annoyances, I noticed the colors of the leaves. They're barely changing at this point, but I could see it, and the only thing I could think of was how I needed to commit to a color to paint the damn accent wall in my living room. I need to get started on these stupid renovations so I can actually enjoy them. I've already spent hundreds to get the job done I just need to make time. Stop procrastinating. Man, I'm good at that though. Should I do a purplish gray or should I do mac n cheese gold? Oh... mac n cheese... I'm hungry! I should turn around and head home so I can eat something! Let's be honest, food is on the brain all the time when I take these bike rides.
Certain things are stamped in your memory forever like the leaves that are pressed into the surface of the blacktop I cruised over. A constant thought on my bike escape is my mom. How just before I quit riding two years ago, I described to her in detail the way the colors of the leaves looked as I rode well into the fall. I wish I could describe to her how good it felt to be back where my soul feels most unleashed. Instead, on a short leg of the path, I found myself completely alone. I took out my earbuds and all I heard was silence. Nothing... and for the first time that I can recall, I allowed myself to break down on my bike. I cried for just a brief minute before taking a deep breath and simply just admitting that I missed her. I will always miss her. No time will ever change that.
Racing the clock and pushing myself against the wind, I finally arrived back to my dad's driveway where I proceeded to walk like my legs each weighed ten tons. I will never grant myself to go so long without the feel of the wind on my face and the smacking of horseflies against my head and sunglasses. Seriously, those things are massive in the woods! Bugs or not, I'm back. Two years was too long!
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