How I Lived My First Year Without You
My whole world, the walls, the people, the days, they all crumbled down around me one year ago today. I sat by my mother's bedside for weeks and talked to her, held her hand, and prayed for her peace in passing. When she passed away one year ago my life stopped. It was like things were happening in snapshots. I'd blink and there would be a new person standing in front of me giving me their condolences. I'd blink and it would be another work day. I'd blink and I'm sitting on the edge of my bed staring at a bare wall. The only question I consistently asked myself for weeks after losing my mom was "How will I ever survive this life without her?" Well here I am, one extremely fast year later, able to tell you exactly how my days continued and how my mother lives on through me!
The rest of November was a blur. Thanksgiving was terrible and I cried the whole day. December was difficult. I had the days where I would naturally breakdown and just lose it. That month I traveled, though. It was something she and I shared a love of doing. I did the two trips alone and never felt more empowered. Something I needed in those difficult days.
January was a new start... Of course, right? I had been blessed with a new job at the very start of the year and had been seeing a new man for a couple of weeks at that point. I felt like the healing was quickening and moving forward with smiles was the easiest thing to do.
One foot in front of the other on into February, my heart just wasn't in it. I moved into my own townhouse, just me and little Dolly Parton.
May flowered into sunny days (for once) and I spent a lot of time staying busy with the dance studio I teach for. I ended things with that wonderful man because he just couldn't decide if I was anything worth his wanting... I wasn't... But I kept my head up and on as straight as I could. I kept my focus on my jobs and on my friends and family. I planned a lot of things in advance for my summer that filled up so quickly and went by faster than I can even recall.
June had me traveling again. I went to Washington DC to visit a friend and then to Florida for a long weekend with a couple of other friends. I started doing something for myself that month... I took up ballroom lessons again, to give myself a little "me time" every week.
July was the busiest month of them all. I had something to do nearly every single day of the month. I returned to Florida for a very relaxing 8 day vacation that had me craving sun and sand for the many weeks to follow. My greatest decision though, was the one to stay. I decided that month to buy a condo when the lease for my current home would come to an end. I have never felt more pride in a decision. I made it on my own and without discussing it with a single soul before I announced it. Something I would have had a million conversations with my mom over.
August...the month where I started to have stress meltdowns in the privacy of my own bedroom. This is also the month where friends thought it was the best time to try setting me up with other men. It was never that I still felt something for that guy from earlier in the year, but that my tolerance for a man who just wanted what would only satisfy himself was out the door. Needless to say nothing stuck and I waltzed right into September.
September is where I spent my first birthday, which happened to be a milestone, without my loving mom. On a day when she would post the cute pictures of me as a baby all over my social media, call me, hug me, have dinner with me, eat cake with me, or call me "baby girl", was silent. I went on the vacation of a lifetime for my birthday and came across a dear friend that needed me for the same purpose of this post.
The rest of November was a blur. Thanksgiving was terrible and I cried the whole day. December was difficult. I had the days where I would naturally breakdown and just lose it. That month I traveled, though. It was something she and I shared a love of doing. I did the two trips alone and never felt more empowered. Something I needed in those difficult days.
January was a new start... Of course, right? I had been blessed with a new job at the very start of the year and had been seeing a new man for a couple of weeks at that point. I felt like the healing was quickening and moving forward with smiles was the easiest thing to do.
One foot in front of the other on into February, my heart just wasn't in it. I moved into my own townhouse, just me and little Dolly Parton.
I was happy until I wasn't anymore.
Decorating, putting up pictures, trying to figure out my next move was so hard to do without having my mom to call for the advice. I settled myself right into a rut that I didn't move from for weeks. I'd go home from work, stay in all evening and not spend any time with friends on weekends. This led to March and April sort of running together. They happened, and I eventually started feeling like me again, but I wasn't 100%. I don't know that I ever will be again.
May flowered into sunny days (for once) and I spent a lot of time staying busy with the dance studio I teach for. I ended things with that wonderful man because he just couldn't decide if I was anything worth his wanting... I wasn't... But I kept my head up and on as straight as I could. I kept my focus on my jobs and on my friends and family. I planned a lot of things in advance for my summer that filled up so quickly and went by faster than I can even recall.
June had me traveling again. I went to Washington DC to visit a friend and then to Florida for a long weekend with a couple of other friends. I started doing something for myself that month... I took up ballroom lessons again, to give myself a little "me time" every week.
July was the busiest month of them all. I had something to do nearly every single day of the month. I returned to Florida for a very relaxing 8 day vacation that had me craving sun and sand for the many weeks to follow. My greatest decision though, was the one to stay. I decided that month to buy a condo when the lease for my current home would come to an end. I have never felt more pride in a decision. I made it on my own and without discussing it with a single soul before I announced it. Something I would have had a million conversations with my mom over.
August...the month where I started to have stress meltdowns in the privacy of my own bedroom. This is also the month where friends thought it was the best time to try setting me up with other men. It was never that I still felt something for that guy from earlier in the year, but that my tolerance for a man who just wanted what would only satisfy himself was out the door. Needless to say nothing stuck and I waltzed right into September.
September is where I spent my first birthday, which happened to be a milestone, without my loving mom. On a day when she would post the cute pictures of me as a baby all over my social media, call me, hug me, have dinner with me, eat cake with me, or call me "baby girl", was silent. I went on the vacation of a lifetime for my birthday and came across a dear friend that needed me for the same purpose of this post.
He lost his mother the night of my birthday very suddenly. I can't tell you how privileged it made me feel to know I could console a friend who needed me as badly as I needed him. Being there for him made me feel like losing and feeling what I had was for this purpose. To be able to hug and hold this friend who has stood like a rock in my life since meeting was what I was meant to do.
C.B., If you read this, I love you!
October... Breast cancer awareness month. I woke the morning of the first and immediately cried... because I missed her.... because the month signifies so much... just because! I went and looked at condos in this month, found the one I wanted, and bought it. A major step that while looking at places I fought tears on because she should have been there with me and my dad helping me pick out the first home I'd buy!...And when my offer was accepted and I got the call, I cried like a baby because I started to dial her number. I felt so lost on who to turn to. I still do...
November will never be the same. It is harder than I ever thought it would be today and I can only fathom that the years to come will hurt but lessen in pain as time passes.
The year has been nothing short of wonderful, beautiful, exhausting, exhilarating, and full of so many heartbreaking firsts and moments. Some days I would try to think about a specific memory and I couldn't. It's like it was fading away and it's only been a year. It's like I try to remember how her laugh sounded and I can't hear it. Other days I hear her laughter in my own. Sometimes I notice the minuscule things I do that she did...
I have the same deep love for the sunshine
I tap my thumb on the steering wheel just like she did.
When I smile and show no teeth I resemble her more than I've ever realized.
It is possible to survive this life without her. She didn't prepare me for it but, like my mother, I am strong. I am my mother's daughter and there is nothing in this world that I will ever be more proud of!
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