Sweet Mom of Mine

It burns... The tears I choke back to fight my breaking down in front of close family and friends. How do you dry your face off after a shower when your tears just continue to soak it? How do you sleep when your chest hurts because your heart is so heavy and when you close your eyes all you see is that final image? I don't know how I will ever pull through this loss. I know that I will, but the how is unimaginable. 

My mother fought for good health and a normal life for almost 15 years. She battled breast cancer off and on facing radiation and chemotherapy twice, amongst the hundreds of doctor appointments and blood work and tests. 

When I say she was a warrior, there is no other word to define her. She fought so hard and yet not once asked "why me?". She always pushed on. Keeping, us, her family, as her strength and light at the end of such a dreary tunnel. 

The house has been full of family the last couple of days and friends have come by too. Old pictures have been scattered around the dining room where everyone periodically gathers to have a laugh or hear a good story. 

My mom and I were like Lorelei and Rory Gilmore from the TV show, Gilmore Girls. We had a bond that was out of this world. A bond I pray my cousins, friends, and other people in my life, can have with their mothers or daughters. We laughed, we cried, we traveled together. My mother was my rock. My guide in life. I told her absolutely everything. Disappointing her was my biggest fear! 

We shared a love of country music, she loved the classic Linda Rondstat, sweet wine, Gilmore Girls, dance, scented candles, Mexican food with a big margarita, shopping, traveling, and each other. 

At night when it's just me, in my room alone, I'm faced with my thoughts and I have never been more scared. My mom is really gone. And then I sit on the edge of my bed, staring at the wall thinking I need to do something. Anything to take my mind and broken heart away from the sadness that is taking place. Instead I'm looking for an answer as to "why her?" And I'm letting my foolish mind take over. I become selfish in this time of grief and continue to think about how the first person I would call when I get engaged someday, isn't around to take my call anymore. How the woman I'd turn to when I'm scared to death of going through labor, isn't able to pass on her strength. I have no one to show my pictures to, call when I'm bored, and sing into my hand like a goofball in the passengers seat to drive her crazy! My heart sinks so heavily into my stomach, leaving me sick with heartache. 

Cancer can take my mothers body, but her heart, her love, and her soul are still here. Those are mine to keep. The good times we've had will always leave me with a smile. She is my smile. I am so much like her. Nothing makes me more proud!

May my sweet angel rest in the depths of peace now. I love you Momma! Forever and always!