One Final Ride

Friday was just a few days after the one year anniversary of the passing of my oldest brother. One year since my heart has never felt so heavy and hurt. One year... It went so fast!

I had stayed home from work Friday so that I could assist my dad in taking my mom to the Cleveland Clinic for an appointment with her oncologist. Once my mom realized that attending her appointment served no purpose in her deteriorating condition, the three of us stayed home. I was pleased to be there throughout the day to help my dad with little odds and ends. He truly needed the help. However, some of it was tough to watch and do, so I needed to take my mind off of it.

Later in the day when family came by to visit her, I took it upon myself to take a bike escape. A good ride, in the crisp, fall air would do me some good. I changed and was headed to the bike trail before I knew it.

I was dressed for the cooler weather. I wore gloves and a long sleeve shirt to protect me from the bitter bite the wind brought. When in the sun though, my whole body had the warm, comfortable, under the blankets type of feel. The kind of sunshine you can close your eyes in and this soft smile will just appear on your face. I always chew gum on my rides for some reason and having the mint gum mix with that cold wind felt like it was freezing my chest from the inside out.

Once I made it to the trail, the shade from the trees was theraputic. The colors alone paint the perfect serene picture to take your mind anywhere but where it is. There were so many leaves on the ground that even with my headphones on with high volume, I could hear the crunching of the leaves over the music as I rode over top of them with my bike tires. I could even smell the leaves when my fall allergies permitted me to inhale deeply through my nose.

This ride wasn't about me racing or pacing myself. It was about trying to free my mind of any and all of the things that have taken place since the end of July. I just can't seem to stop thinking. No matter how hard I try. I swear the thoughts that race through my mind are insane and if I spoke them aloud in the order of which they're processed, I would for sure be told I had ADD.

It's like on the show Gilmore Girls, when Loralei has to write a letter for Luke. She explains to her daughter that she can't focus in one of the most memorable (to me), amusing ways...

"My brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. 'I'm writing a letter, I can't write a letter, why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress, I wish I was wearing my blue dress, my blue dress is at the cleaners. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue, 'Casablance' is such a good movie. Casablanca, the White House, Bush. Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work. Bicycle, unicycle, unitard, hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants'"

 

 

At this point of my ride my thoughts are jumbled and going between the new book that I'm reading by Sara Bareilles (She is so inspirational and motivational by the way! If you like to read and you like her music it's a high recommendation of mine.) and a million other things. I was thinking about this man that I've been talking to and how my mother does NOT want me with him. Then there is always a lingering thought of my ex for no good reason at all. Then an argument with one of my closest friends that I ultimately did not want to have, but when it comes down to it, needed to be done.

 

Randomly, while crossing the road, I rode between two posts with a spiderweb between them. At this moment I actually said to myself, "And now I've crossed the spiderweb finish line." My mind went back to being overused and jumping from thought to thought immediately after. Something may be seriously wrong with me. I considered how out of shape I was at that point. My knees were killing me, my thighs were burning, and even my hips were starting to hurt. Towards the end of the ride, I started calling myself a pussy just to push myself harder. And then I looked at the speedometer while going down a hill and realized that for the first time I hit 13mph since August. That used to be my average speed. It's a shame that I hadn't ridden in that long. Then I just got angry with myself for not trying to get away to the trail more.

 

This escape didn't really help me clear my mind any, if anything I'm more confused, hurting just as much as before, and my body was so damn sore it made me want to cry for a whole new reason! When Losing My Religion by REM came on my Spotify my brain focused back to my mom. I couldn't stop thinking about how any day now, I'm going to lose the woman that has inspired me most in this world. I feel so blessed to be taking this final ride with her. To be there to hold her hand, laugh with her over old memories, and to talk about my future with her still. No one can know the true beauty of life until you're watching it fade from right in front of you.

 

Once I got back home, walking like a toddler on ice skates for the first time, I went right into the house and sat with my mom. I told her about how gorgeous the trees looked and of course complained about the pain I was in from being out of shape. Being able to tell her about my last ride of the season before getting a gym membership to continue my latest obsession of riding my bike, made me feel like, even though I hadn't accomplished my goal of clearing my head of all the thoughts that cloud it, I at least got to describe to her how it went!