...You Lose Some

When I was 6 years old I lost both my Papa and my Grandpa two weeks apart. As a child, I didn't understand what was going on. I knew people were sad and I knew my parent's fathers were gone, I just didn't understand the intense feelings that the grown ups were feeling. After high school, my graduating class experienced a huge loss when a classmate passed away a week before we all started college. I was never extremely close with the boy but he grew up around the corner from me, we rode the school bus together, and we hung around with all the neighborhood kids together. He was a good kid! I was deeply saddened by the loss we had all experienced, but still didn't feel the same hurt that some others were feeling. I prefer to say how fortunate I am that I never lost someone that I was so close with. That I never had to hurt daily, lose sleep, or cry myself to sleep. Luck runs out sometimes...

Sunday morning, recovering from the events of the previous night, I received a phone call from my dad twice. You know it's important when the man calls more than once. Answering his second call, I hear a sense of urgency in his voice which makes me nervous and panic considering my moms state of well being with her cancer and early stages of chemo treatments. He asks me if my mom has called me yet and I tell him no. He proceeds by telling me that my great aunt who was very sick and hospitalized for some time, had finally passed and is now at peace. With a bit of sadness I ask how my mom is handling it and he says that she is very sad, but that it gets worse. My great aunt's daughter, my mom's cousin, had a major stroke a few days prior and was life flighted to Cleveland and was on life support. With a heavy heart, I sat down and my eyes filled with tears. He also told me that it was almost a positive that she was going to pass as well. My mom's cousin was always the most happy woman. I called her Giddy Jackie, because she really always was! I loved that about her. 

I went about my afternoon with a bit of sadness in my heart and head but tried not to let it hold me down. I made plans with one of my best friends for dinner and to watch one of our favorite T.V. shows together later in the evening. With the slight hangover I was recuperating from, I showered, and decided that a short nap would help a ton. I fell asleep on the couch after setting my alarm to make sure I awoke in time to arrive at my friends house on time! About two or three minutes after my alarm went off at 6:30 p.m. I found my phone ringing... A call from pops again... I had a feeling he would tell me we had lost my mom's cousin. Upon answering my phone I could hear the urgency again in my dad's voice. It wasn't my mom's cousin which led me to believe... Mom!!! 

Nope! 

"Jeremy just went to the hospital. He was just admitted with a large blood clot in his leg. It was breaking off and going into his lungs and heart. They have him in the ICU" 

Jeremy is my oldest brother.

My response to my dad, having survived a sizable blood clot myself, was that I knew he would be ok. That he was in a good place. That they can dissolve it and remove it and he would be just fine like I am today. My dad calmed a little and said that as he found out more from my brother's long term girlfriend, he would update me. 

I went about the evening with my plans. I went to Chipotle with my friend and as we were in line, I told her about the loss of my great aunt and about her daughter, also mentioning my brother. My friend was shocked and asked if he would be ok and my response was that I had no doubt that he would be. At 42, I know all the ways my brother has cheated death and only gotten scratches when he should have probably lost limbs. I was very confident in the strength I knew my brother to have. 

Once I left my friend's apartment, I turned on the music in my car and sung aloud. My thoughts were on my family members. As I approached my exit on the highway my phone started ringing again. Four times in one day from my old man might be a record. I answered the phone, nervous. I honestly thought he was going to have good news about my mom's cousin, or even better, my brother. 

"Hello?"

">€+%#¥ gone."

It was jumbled. I got cold chills and had no idea what he was even saying. 

"Jeremy's gone!" 

The only word I could get out of my mouth was no. I pulled over as quickly as I could. My mom had to take the phone away from my dad because he couldn't even communicate he was crying so hard. I really had to pull it together for the remaining few miles home. I rode in silence. Silence has never been so loud. I was sobbing saying, "Not my big brother!" After returning home, almost falling from shock, and finally getting the words out, my friends were amazing. They were there for me 100% of the evening. They hugged me, comforted me, and asked many times what they could do for me. I owe those two so much for all they have already done for me. Then something like this happens and they stand even closer by my side! 

I was in shock. I guess I still am. I flew to California, where Jeremy lived the majority of his life, on Thursday morning. While I watched the sun rise above the clouds, I thought to myself that this was as close to heaven as I could get. That if there is a heaven, that he's there and I was near him that morning. Today I'm leaving San Francisco with an extremely heavy heart. Services yesterday were wonderful. I met many of my brother's friends that I hadn't met before in previous visits. I am so touched by how many of them told me how often Jeremy spoke of me. How much he said he was proud of his baby sister and things of that nature. I hope he knew just how much I loved him and was proud to be his baby sister! I have many, many fond memories of the times I spent with him. 15 years older than me, only 42 years young when he passed from the one thing that could have taken my life 7 years ago. 

The worst part of losing my brother to a pulmonary embolism, is that I went through such a similar situation with my blood clot. That the chest pains he had as the clot broke off in his leg and traveled to his lungs, causing serious chest pain is the same excruciating pain that I have always said I felt when my clot did the same thing and I would never wish upon my worst enemy. The fear that takes over when you feel the pain in your chest that hurts so badly you can't move your arms or legs. That hurts so much you can't breathe. I am the only one in our family that knows the pain, terror, and thoughts that rush through your entire mind and body! I pray no one else in my family or life ever has to endure such pain or tragedy! I think having felt all he felt before he left this world, hurts me a little more... Scares me a lot! 

Unfortunately, Wednesday, my mother's cousin passed away before being taken off of life support. This leaves my family's loss at 3 in just 4 days! The amount of shock, pain, and sadness leaves us all with heavy hearts. 

To all of you who have shown your love and support through this heart wrenching time in mine and my family's life, thank you! I hope you know just how much I appreciate you and your kind thoughts, prayers, and words. My great aunt, mom's cousin, and my oldest brother, will be missed every day for the rest of our existence. Today, my friends, I ask that you go home and hug and kiss your loved ones. Our time here is too limited! 

I am so fortunate to say how special my individual relationships are with each of my brothers. I share a special, different, bond with all 4 of them... 3 of them! I will continue to build those relationships with my brothers and my parents. 

"Grief never ends... But it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love."

May you R.I.P. Aunt Mildred, Jackie, and Jeremy! I love you and will miss you all!